And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
