Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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