the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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