why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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