Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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