So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
