I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
