if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
