Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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