On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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