all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
