you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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