Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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