Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
