The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
