he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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