Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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