Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Someone came in the potted fern
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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