i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize