I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
where are my eyebrows?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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