I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
