her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
