I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
