I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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