New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
