but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize