My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
