Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize