My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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