Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
