when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
