I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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