The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
