I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
