I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
