end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she peed on how many people?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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