I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
