Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
