Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
