You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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