I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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