Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
