u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
