I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
