I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
