So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
