that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
