I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
