Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Houston, we have a squirter
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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