Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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