I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
