where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i've created a new STD.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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