I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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