my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
