i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
