Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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