I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
no you cant smoke seaweed
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
