jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
