Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
