i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
