I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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