I skipped work to stalk him.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
