ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
