Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
