I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
